Gender Stereotypes, Social Stigmas & Raising Daughters – Then & Now: Featured Article

Mother-daughter relationship can take shape in the myriad of ways but one thing that’s always guaranteed is ‘Love’. Of all the different roles a woman undertakes at different stages of life, she prizes motherhood the most. She becomes an all rounder mother who never hesitates to go extra miles to protect her child and if she bears a daughter, she settles for nothing less than ‘Perfection’ for her.

In this article I have featured 12 Pakistani mothers, living in different parts of the world, all raised in Pakistan; some raising their daughters in Pakistan and some in some other parts of the world.
9 questions were raised to have their input on how was it when they were raised compared to the challenges and stigmas of the present age. I would like to thank all these amazing mothers who shared their valuable opinions in this featured article.

What was the most challenging part of being a mother to a daughter?

Being her mother, the biggest challenge was to prevent her from falling into the gender trap. I have encouraged her not to conform to what a girl has typically offered by society. Gender roles these days are not as unambiguous as they were before. We should evolve now.
Saira Harris, Brisbane, Australia

The hardest of the challenges was the constant worry that never left me while raising her, now that she is married I still worry for her. I think this is innate with mothers of daughters, we cannot stop worrying about them. I have always lived to protect them. But in some moments you just can’t, you have to let them grow into their own personal beings, but no matter how hard you try to give them that space, the loss of control and the constant worry never leaves you.
Musfira Amjad, Seattle, USA

The biggest challenge was to raise her into a strong being who can deal with the savage world and to protect her from the evils of our society.
Sundus Khalid, Rawalpindi, Pakistan

How you dealt with gender stereotypes when it came to raising your daughter?

Perceptions of women’s competence have changed considerably over time. There were some generalizations about women as a whole back then, which made me work a lot more on my son so that he doesn’t share the same thoughts. Now he knows that women aren’t terrible drivers, don’t always nag, and most importantly if she is a stay-at-home mom, she is never off the clock.
Zainab Zulfiqar, Toronto, Canada

It has been complex because when women conform to gender stereotypes they are likely to be perceived as less competent. But, if they defy these stereotypes they are penalized by a backlash effect. Defying these stereotypes was hard at first but when you get to know that your attitude makes all the difference in your daughter’s life, you step up.
Ayesha Bangash, Dubai, UAE

Gender Stereotypes for a long have killed a woman’s self-confidence despite her having all the skills to succeed in her life. Every society, ethnic group, and culture has gender role expectations, and they vary from group to group and evolve. Luckily my daughter was raised in a society that was not hyperfeminine. But still, our Asian roots call for some gender-based roles but as long as they didn’t usurp her of her equal rights and fair treatment, I was fine. I am glad girls now are confident enough to break stereotypes.
Saira Harris, Brisbane, Australia

Has having a daughter changed your view of the world? If yes, how?

I feel I have become more conscious about their environment, surroundings, and people around them. I settle for nothing less than perfection for them.
Anjum Ayesha, Doha, Qatar

Being a woman ‘NO’. I knew the challenges already. I knew that there would always be fear that she doesn’t get mistreated or looked down at, at any age/ stage of life.
Mrs. ^(Brig) Khalid Sultan, Islamabad, Pakistan

Yes, it makes you feel for her safety all the time. It urges you to fight for a better world for her to grow up in.
Ayesha Bangash, Dubai, UAE

I think just being a mother alone changes your view of the world but on top of that, if the human being that you’ve brought into this world is a girl, it changes the way you view your surroundings. First and foremost you start to understand your own relationship with your mother, on a different level.
But you also start to question a lot of things around you. You start to question the obstacles and lack of opportunities your daughter faces just because of her gender. Suddenly you’re face to face with things and issues that were never a point of concern and it cuts so much deeper when it’s directed at your daughter.
Syeda Sabeen Fatima, Islamabad, Pakistan

Did you approach on raising a daughter differently than raising a son?

Yes, in terms of her safety and household skills, but not in terms of education and values.
Tehmina Tiwana, England, UK

I think sons and daughters are inherently different so it’s no surprise that parenting them is also different. But if you see it in a bigger picture, it was always insignificant things. I never held my daughters back based on their gender or let my son do something I’d generally deem wrong for my daughters. I mean what’s wrong, is wrong! Regardless of the gender of your child, right? I have taught both my son and my daughters to always value themselves, be the best version of themselves that they can be, to be kind to others and their own selves and to never do anything that makes them uncomfortable, and lastly that no matter what happens I’ll always be there for them, just one call away.
Syeda Sabeen Fatima, Islamabad, Pakistan

I think both should be treated equally. We should not tag daughters as weak and sensitive from the beginning rather we should treat both equally so that they can meet up all the aggressive challenges one better than the other.
Sundus Khalid, Rawalpindi, Pakistan

What’s one thing you hope you have taught your daughter?

That it’s possible to be smart without being the smartest. And I wish I could have taught this to her way earlier.
Zainab Zulfiqar, Toronto, Canada

I should have made her aware of her rights at home before she got to know them from her school. Sometimes we take things too lightly which society over here doesn’t.
Musfira Amjad, Seattle, USA

Even though I think my daughters are a mirror reflection of me, one thing I hope I have instilled in them is their individuality. As a woman, we care for everyone around us, but the person we usually tend to forget is ourselves. I am no different than this group of women however it’s hard to imagine the same for my daughters. I hope they don’t lose themselves as they step into this world full of race and competition. I hope they never doubt themselves by unnecessary comparisons because what makes them unique is their own individuality hence they should never doubt their feelings and instincts, and should always remember to trust themselves before they trust someone else.
Syeda Sabeen Fatima, Islamabad, Pakistan

How do you see our society and the role of mothers in raising daughters in todays’ age? Has it changed? Positively or negatively?

Mother’s role has always been very important but today they need to be far more vigilant. She be well informed because of the unlimited exposure of social media and should be the first one to cater to her queries.
Society has changed a lot over the years, both positively and negatively. For me the negative aspect is an early exposure to certain things and that for me somewhat outweighs the positive aspects.
Tehmina Tiwana, England, UK

Our society lays the prime responsibility of raising a very good, obedient, and well-skilled daughter on mother. Whereas a modern mother wants her daughter to be equally strong, independent, and confident. The role has definitely become more challenging for mothers.
Mrs. ^(Brig) Khalid Sultan, Islamabad, Pakistan

This whole process has changed immensely over the years in our society exceptionally. Mothers in the past, most of them, were adamant about teaching their daughters to ‘adjust’ while I strongly oppose this belief. Mothers nowadays rightly teach their daughters to become independent and strong.
Zeb un Nisa, Rawalpindi, Pakistan

Yes, there is a difference from my perspective. Mothers today do have not as much time for their children as we used to have. The blame is to be given to social media.
Nuzhat Fatima, Karachi, Pakistan

Do you think the role of a mother or the society has evolved over time?

Mothers now are determined that their daughters deserve an upbringing that they deserve without letting society dictate its terms on who or how they should be. So, yes, they have evolved.
Ayesha Bangash, Dubai, UAE

Raising a child in the 21^st century is not a piece of cake as everyone expects you to work according to one’s set of rules. But it is also true that the times have been changing and society has become more open to the fact that the positive role played by women is only going to help it progress. The mothers should also understand their crucial role in the upbringing of their daughters. Raising a daughter in the best way alone means raising one complete family.
Iqra Kaleem, Rawalpindi, Pakistan

I think it has become difficult to groom your kids in today’s era. Mothers have an eminent role in kids grooming because she is the first teacher of her kids. She is the first upon whom kids trust. I think now society has accepted the women empowerment
Sundus Khalid, Islamabad, Pakistan

How being an Expat-Mother changed your perspective of raising a daughter?

Living abroad can make you a more resilient parent. Expat life can shape you and help you become a stronger mom. You experience motherhood without a support network. You become the central pillar your family relies on. You can raise of your daughter way better when you become such a strong pillar.
Musfira Amjad, Seattle, USA

There are always two sides to the coin. Where there are good things there are things that are compromised while living abroad. But overall it was a bit easier to teach many things to them living independently. It was easy monitoring them while living here.
Anjum Ayesha, Doha, Qatar

Raising her in European culture, I had to make sure she takes our values along too. I had to take into account that she doesn’t adopt all the things that the western culture has to offer.
Tehmina Tiwana, England, UK

You become an expert on things you have never thought about before. You can choose what your family looks like. In your quest to make your expat family’s life richer and more fulfilling, you will start learning about many things that you may have never thought about before. You become a pro at mothering her that is not possible if you are living in your home country (too much interference of relatives).
Zainab Zulfiqar, Toronto, Canada

When you decide to raise children overseas you sacrifice a lot. Whether it’s the security of having family members close or the familiarity of the way things are done back home, there’s no doubt it can be a challenge at times. But if you’re lucky, the benefits outweigh the negatives though.
Saira Harris, Brisbane, Australia

Advice for young mums?

Be open about all sorts of discussions, time calls for it. Practice what you preach because you can’t force today’s child to blindly follow you. Privacy is good but keep an eye on their activities, their friends list and if required, meet their families too to know what mindset they cater to.
Make them an all-rounder, (higher education, cooking, driving, etc.) They should never feel that they are any lesser than boys at any point in life.
Anjum Ayesha, Doha, Qatar

I think motherhood is something that cannot be taught or advised, you learn it by yourself, it comes to you from the inside, and with the trials and errors along the way. However, one thing that I’d really like to say is that often as mothers we forget that our children are individual human beings, they’re not us! They have their own thinking and perception, don’t try to change that. Enjoy them for who they are, cherish them for what their beautiful souls are, you can always teach them, right from wrong but you cannot change their personality, and it would be wrong to do so! They’ll always need you as their mother, so create that bond where they can turn to you, in whatever situation they are in.
Syeda Sabeen Fatima, Islamabad, Pakistan

Be a friend, and leave no barrier in between, share thoughts irrespectively.
Nuzhat Fatima, Karachi, Pakistan

A mother who is blessed with a daughter must realize the nature of the blessing. The “Rehmat” has been bestowed upon you by the Almighty. Take care of them in the best you can to fulfil your responsibility.
Iqra Kaleem, Rawalpindi, Pakistan

I would once again like to thank everyone who made a valuable contribution to this article. One thing am glad to know is that time sure is progressing and the mother of the time doesn’t care much about the gender stereotypes and the social stigmas linked with the specific gender. Today a mother is far more vigilant and stronger and is ready to evolve for the sake of her child compared to the times before. I would conclude here by saying that of all the finest things existing in this world today, a sound mother-daughter relationship is the most beautiful.

Disclaimer

The views and opinions expressed on this blog are solely those of the original contributor & represent the contributor’s take on life & his experiences. They have been made publicly available for informational/guidance purpose only. All copyrights reserved.

~ QuratulAin Hamza