The Four Horsemen that Destroy a Marriage

Being in marital status for 10+ years now, I think my marriage ‘Guru’ instinct has gained some weight. Nor that my marriage has been in perfect harmony for all these years, it has been a very vibrant platter that has so much to offer and so much to remorse for as well. Marriage is hard work especially when one is arranged. You need at least a year’s time to get to know each other. And a good marriage needs the efforts of both partners to make it last longer.

I have tried reading quite some literature on marriage counseling these past years and some of it helped the way it promised. In this blog, I would like to talk about the Four Horsemen Behaviors that according to Dr. John Gottman are so lethal that they can destroy an otherwise healthy marriage.

CRITICISM

Criticism is the act of noticing a problem with your partner/relationship and turning it into a commentary of their personality flaws. Criticism is different from a complaint. Issuing complaints is normal and focuses on the actual issue. Whereas, criticism is attacking your partner and further implying that there is something wrong with them. When you verbally attack your partner’s personality/character, you make your partner feel rejected and hurt. So, criticism basically is the gateway horseman, as it exposes and makes your partner vulnerable to the other three horsemen.

DEFENSIVENESS

Defensiveness is a response to perceived criticism. Defensiveness occurs when you’re feeling attacked by your partner and you start focussing on self-protection by shading yourself with innocent victimhood. When people get defensive, they might overexplain, take on a victim mentality, or counter-criticize. If you become defensive, the other person will believe that their need has not been heard and that counter amplifies disconnectivity which further amplifies criticism.

STONEWALLING

Stonewalling is exactly as it sounds. When someone starts acting like a stone wall, they stop communication. The objective is to avoid conflict and create a sense of distance but it seldom works. It leads you to intentionally shut down during an argument and give a silent treatment. Being a stone wall can be very hurtful, maddening, and harmful to the relationship. Stonewalling usually happens gradually after the other horsemen are already active in your relationship.

CONTEMPT

Contempt is the most dangerous of all of the four horsemen. At its worst, it can become emotional abuse. Contempt is the feeling of superiority, with which you regard your partner as callous, insignificant, or even vile. You start attacking your partner’s personality/character with the intent to insult and abuse, sometimes from a place of disgust and sometimes by using mean-spirited sarcasm. Such disregard is the single greatest predictor for the end of a relationship.

The Takeaway

Conflict is normal in relationships but the way you manage “that conflict” has a significant impact on the success of your relationship. When these Four Horsemen enter your conflict dialogues/discourse, that’s a warning that there exist serious problems in your communication. And when communication itself becomes toxic, the result is the destruction of a relationship. Therefore, it’s crucial to be mindful of them and work to counteract them. So, my dear chicos y chicas, I’ll be taking into consideration the antidotes of these Four Horsemen in my next blog, until then adiós.

~ QuratulAin Hamza