The Antidotes to The Four Horsemen

Conflicts are unavoidable, be it in any relationship. It is not the presence of conflict but rather how it is managed that is predictive of a relationship’s success or failure. Managing a conflict does not necessarily mean resolving one. Identifying and counteracting the conflicting issue effectively can change the game for as long as you want.

Previously I talked about The Four Horsemen that Destroy a Marriage, fortunately for every Horseman of the Apocalypse, there is an antidote. In this blog post, I will talk about The Antidotes that according to Dr. John Gottman can help a relationship from erosion as each of the antidotes is sketched to swap one of the horsemen and lessen conflict.

FORMULATING A SOFT START-UP

The Antodote TO CRITICISM

• Try to shift the focus to the problem and not the person. Working on the problem more gently and softly quiets contention.
• A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. The tone of voice is the second thing to be taken into consideration. When you soften up the tone, your body language spontaneously becomes warm.
• If the temper is ready to stir up strife, save the dialogue for the right time.
• And finally, when you start, avoid using ‘you’ indicating blame, instead talk about your feelings by using ‘I’.

Criticism: “You never pick the kids up from school. You are always lazy.”

Antidote: “I am really very tired today, I thought you could help me by bringing the kids back from school.”

NOT SHYING AWAY FROM TAKING RESPONSIBILTY

THE ANTIDOTE TO DEFENSIVENESS

• Everyone makes mistakes but owing up to one’s behavior and not blaming the other is the real deal.
• Never take any argument or statement as a personal attack on you. Because when you do, you become defensive, and when one becomes defensive, one closes the opportunity to improve and the guts to apologize later. As a result, the problem never gets addressed, and the conflict intensifies.
• Accept responsibility, act maturely, own your actions or mistakes, and try to invest some time in understanding your partner’s feelings.

Defensiveness: “It’s not my fault if the kids are late, you are always on the phone, and you have your priorities sorted.”

Antidote: “Yeah, you’re right! We are getting late. I lost the track of time.”

FOSTERING A CULTURE OF APPRECIATION

THE ANTIDOTE TO CONTEMPT

• What sunshine is to flowers, appreciation is to humans. Foster a culture of appreciation and gratitude by showing respect and admiration.
• Tell each other how fond you are of the other. Make your bond strong by recognizing each other’s strengths, giving compliments, and being affectionate.
• Avoid sarcasm, sneering, mocking, name-calling, eye-rolling, and pungent humor.
• Start working with the magic ratio. By expressing gratitude and appreciation a positive perception is created that acts as a buffer for negative feelings. The more positive you feel, the less likely you feel or express contempt.

Contempt: “Every other day you forget to take the trash out. Are you a prince or what? I am sick of being your servant.”

Antidote: “I know you are incredibly busy with your assignment but would you please take the trash out for me.”

PRACTICE PHYSIOLOGICAL SELF-SOOTHING

THE ANTIDOTE TO STONEWALLING

• Work on your mental health. Identify the red zones. Find what triggers you and how to curb it. Try using relaxation techniques or the lines that work for you the best.
• The first step of self-soothing is to stop the conflict discussion and take a breather. By taking time out you don’t bottle up your emotions and explode later. This way, you don’t end up stonewalling yourself and do get somewhere good.
• When you give yourself time to calm down, you return to the argument rationally and respectfully.

Stonewalling: “I am sick of telling you this again and again but your stupid mind fails to grasp it.“

Antidote: “Listen! I feel a little overwhelmed by all this argument, just give me some time, and maybe then we can talk?”

THE TAKEAWAY

Never leave your problems unchecked. Never permit your behaviors to damage esteems. Never try to escalate a conflict to satiate your selfdom by not giving up. If you are seriously into a relationship and looking for a long-term partnership, work on the loopholes. Sometimes it is just the ego that is coming in between. Don’t let these four horsemen of apocalypse penetrate their roots deep into your relationship as a normal way of communication. Don’t let the toxicity take away the charm of an otherwise beautiful relationship.

And always remember that a hasty temper exalts folly, always.

So keep the calm chicos y chicas.

~ QuratulAin Hamza